My Old Man and His Grill

Comedy. If not for my frustration over the matter, I would have laughed out loud at my dad's absurd suggestion this evening.

A few weeks back, when I was making delicious meals for myself while my folks were away, our old grill broke. One of the valves was rusted to the point where you couldn't even turn it anymore, and one of the propane jets must have been clogged, too. It was over 10 years old, and my dad was clearly waiting for the slightest excuse to scope out the newest, spiffiest models. Naturally, he went out and got quite an impressive piece of grilling equipment.

Lately, I've been the go-to guy for grilling steaks for dinner. I've gotten pretty good at it, too, getting the heat and timing just right. So I wasn't surprised when my mom asked me to turn the grill on this evening. That's code for "you're cooking tonight."

Glad to ply my trade once again, I enthusiastically leave midway through my 15-1 throttling of the Washington Nationals in MLB 2K8 on my Nintendo Wii. As I make my way outside, my dad says, "Why don't you save yourself the trouble of cleaning later and grill the steak on a tray or pan."

...

Beyond annoyed, I respond, "Why don't I save myself the trouble of even turning on the grill and throw the steak under the broiler, or even in the microwave for that matter?" Sassy, no?

Now we're all the same way when we get a new toy. We want to keep it as close to its out of the box/off the lot condition for as long as possible. Unfortunately, if you're talking about a grill, you're pretty much telling yourself that you never intend to use your new toy the way it was intended. Part of the idea of grilling anything is to give it that smoky, flame-kissed flavor that you can't get any other way. You go about that by always allowing some of the charred remnants of your last meal to stay on the grates. I view it the same way as I would breaking in a new baseball glove. It's okay to chisel off the big, chunky pieces, but you generally want a little stuff on there.

Not my dad.

Dad intends to keep ol' Bessy Lou in mint condition and condemn his family to meals that were grilled but taste broiled. As a matter of principal, I now intend to boycott "grilling" anything until he changes this policy. Granted it's his grill that he bought with his money, but my point is that he never should have in the first place if this is how he intended to use it. So I have no problem telling him that he's welcome to make shitty food on his grill.

On another note, he asked the waitress at Bensi last night how big the fried calamari appetizer was...the one he's had before...every single time he's been there since the place opened.