Gag (order) Me With a Spoon

Off-limits. I get it; families are off limits. I get it; young people have sex. And I get it; teenage pregnancy shouldn't be touched with twelve 10-foot poles taped together end to end. Here's the thing. The Republican party has been in the business of telling families what to do for the past 15 years. The Republican party has been preaching abstinence only education for at least as long. The Republican party has a proud history of pulling out all of the stops when it comes to sleazy, inappropriate attacks. So forgive me if someone needs to call bullshit here, with all due respect to Sen. Obama's demand that the families stay completely off limits.

So Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), newly selected (and hardly vetted) Republican Vice Presidential candidate, has confirmed that her 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. Nice to see the abstinence-only education that Gov. Palin strongly endorses is working so well for her family. As a new Christmas gift for left-leaning voters throughout the country is left under our collective tree seemingly every morning, this little tidbit just boggles my mind. While Sen. McCain's aides promise that they conducted the most exhaustive research on Gov. Palin, I can't help but be skeptical in light of this development.

Methinks Sen. McCain had his heart set on BFF Sen. Joe Liberman or similarly moderate Tom Ridge, but since both are a little too moderate (if that even means anything), the senator from Arizona knew he had to pick the most medievally conservative candidate available to fire up the lukewarm socially conservative base. It also wouldn't hurt to make a splash and steal some of Sen. Obama's post-brilliant-speech thunder.

I've got two words and one gesture for Sen. McCain...



Of course, the problem is that all of the hype that this pick has generated has been confused at best and downright negative at worst. Sen. McCain himself claims to have known that Gov. Palin's daughter, Bristol, was pregnant before making the pick. Given how badly the conservative base needed to be courted, at least in the eyes of Sen. McCain, I really, really doubt that. I'm curious to see how the right shrugs this off. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised if they come out of this unscathed. I mean, this is an affluent white girl we're talking about.

Two more things...

1) Does anyone else find it disturbing that conservatives feel the need to commend Gov. Palin for not aborting her Down's Syndrome child?

2) The best speech of the convention wasn't Sen. Obama's, it was Sen. John Kerry's. Watch all of it, it's worth it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1yri5CXDZg

Put the Lotion in the Basket, Pt. II

Disturbed. Below are the psychotic ramblings that I received on a Hall of Fame reservation card this morning...

Look. I've had better nights. I've had a threesome. I've had a foursome.
You never will. I haven't, actually. [Illegible] . . . the things [illegible] .
. . A habit I suppose [illegible] . . . -ave from now on- Sorry about that. You
a guy? They were two bi blondes? A girl? Two guys w/ exactly the right bend. The
saddest think I know is that sexual fantasies are at the top of the fantasy
list. Beak that and you'd be golden. But you won't. Adam and Eve couldn't.

Can't you just picture Buffalo Bill carving that message into the card in his basement while wearing his skin suit? My theory, though, is that someone copied word for word the contents of one of those virus spam emails. I feel like I've gotten enough of of those in my time to recognize the style. That is all.

My Old Man and His Grill

Comedy. If not for my frustration over the matter, I would have laughed out loud at my dad's absurd suggestion this evening.

A few weeks back, when I was making delicious meals for myself while my folks were away, our old grill broke. One of the valves was rusted to the point where you couldn't even turn it anymore, and one of the propane jets must have been clogged, too. It was over 10 years old, and my dad was clearly waiting for the slightest excuse to scope out the newest, spiffiest models. Naturally, he went out and got quite an impressive piece of grilling equipment.

Lately, I've been the go-to guy for grilling steaks for dinner. I've gotten pretty good at it, too, getting the heat and timing just right. So I wasn't surprised when my mom asked me to turn the grill on this evening. That's code for "you're cooking tonight."

Glad to ply my trade once again, I enthusiastically leave midway through my 15-1 throttling of the Washington Nationals in MLB 2K8 on my Nintendo Wii. As I make my way outside, my dad says, "Why don't you save yourself the trouble of cleaning later and grill the steak on a tray or pan."

...

Beyond annoyed, I respond, "Why don't I save myself the trouble of even turning on the grill and throw the steak under the broiler, or even in the microwave for that matter?" Sassy, no?

Now we're all the same way when we get a new toy. We want to keep it as close to its out of the box/off the lot condition for as long as possible. Unfortunately, if you're talking about a grill, you're pretty much telling yourself that you never intend to use your new toy the way it was intended. Part of the idea of grilling anything is to give it that smoky, flame-kissed flavor that you can't get any other way. You go about that by always allowing some of the charred remnants of your last meal to stay on the grates. I view it the same way as I would breaking in a new baseball glove. It's okay to chisel off the big, chunky pieces, but you generally want a little stuff on there.

Not my dad.

Dad intends to keep ol' Bessy Lou in mint condition and condemn his family to meals that were grilled but taste broiled. As a matter of principal, I now intend to boycott "grilling" anything until he changes this policy. Granted it's his grill that he bought with his money, but my point is that he never should have in the first place if this is how he intended to use it. So I have no problem telling him that he's welcome to make shitty food on his grill.

On another note, he asked the waitress at Bensi last night how big the fried calamari appetizer was...the one he's had before...every single time he's been there since the place opened.