Hot Hot Heat

Busted. No, my night job as an exotic dancer in a gay night club called The Tool Box is still a tightly guarded secret. I mean the status of the central air unit in our house. As in, we need to buy a whole new one. Damn. Luckily, it's my folks' unit, I just use it. Or used to.

We don't realize how dependent most of us middle class and above people have become on our controlled indoor climates. Just ask the Dub. She grew up in a house that is constantly kept at 70 degrees. Any (READ: Normal) temperature above that makes her uncomfortable, even though she's equally sensitive to low temperatures. Come to think of it, I'm not sure she's ever not been too cold or too hot the whole time I've known her.

I don't mean to throw my dear, sweet future wife under the bus (okay, but I still did), but I think her situation illustrates how it is possible for us to lose touch with our normal, preset equilibrium. Take another issue I've been dealing with lately, lower back pain. Granted, I'm experiencing this pain because I'm working on my Olympic lifts, but anatomically, we're not built to sit down. Sitting down places undue stress on the hips and lower back. The natural idle position for bipeds like us is a squatting position, as in "your balls are showing."

On another note, now that classes have started back up, I'm adjusting well to yet again being the know-it-all go-getter in my classes, at least for the first few weeks. I do find it amazing how reluctant people in grad school are to step up and take leadership of projects. The fact that I'm being forced to be that guy is nothing short of appalling.

A little image to go with my last post...

Gag (order) Me With a Spoon

Off-limits. I get it; families are off limits. I get it; young people have sex. And I get it; teenage pregnancy shouldn't be touched with twelve 10-foot poles taped together end to end. Here's the thing. The Republican party has been in the business of telling families what to do for the past 15 years. The Republican party has been preaching abstinence only education for at least as long. The Republican party has a proud history of pulling out all of the stops when it comes to sleazy, inappropriate attacks. So forgive me if someone needs to call bullshit here, with all due respect to Sen. Obama's demand that the families stay completely off limits.

So Gov. Sarah Palin (R-AK), newly selected (and hardly vetted) Republican Vice Presidential candidate, has confirmed that her 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant. Nice to see the abstinence-only education that Gov. Palin strongly endorses is working so well for her family. As a new Christmas gift for left-leaning voters throughout the country is left under our collective tree seemingly every morning, this little tidbit just boggles my mind. While Sen. McCain's aides promise that they conducted the most exhaustive research on Gov. Palin, I can't help but be skeptical in light of this development.

Methinks Sen. McCain had his heart set on BFF Sen. Joe Liberman or similarly moderate Tom Ridge, but since both are a little too moderate (if that even means anything), the senator from Arizona knew he had to pick the most medievally conservative candidate available to fire up the lukewarm socially conservative base. It also wouldn't hurt to make a splash and steal some of Sen. Obama's post-brilliant-speech thunder.

I've got two words and one gesture for Sen. McCain...



Of course, the problem is that all of the hype that this pick has generated has been confused at best and downright negative at worst. Sen. McCain himself claims to have known that Gov. Palin's daughter, Bristol, was pregnant before making the pick. Given how badly the conservative base needed to be courted, at least in the eyes of Sen. McCain, I really, really doubt that. I'm curious to see how the right shrugs this off. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised if they come out of this unscathed. I mean, this is an affluent white girl we're talking about.

Two more things...

1) Does anyone else find it disturbing that conservatives feel the need to commend Gov. Palin for not aborting her Down's Syndrome child?

2) The best speech of the convention wasn't Sen. Obama's, it was Sen. John Kerry's. Watch all of it, it's worth it...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P1yri5CXDZg

PUSA

President Barack Hussein Obama. Get used to it.

The World Class Athlete...

...or douchebag. Take one look at the picture below and admit you probably wouldn't like these guys if you met them...



The guy in the black hat and shirt with the cigarettes in his mouth is the starting goaltender for the Montreal Canadiens. The dude second from right is one of the greatest, if not the greatest, players for the Toronto Maple Leafs, Mats Sundin. The winner on the far left is Kyle Chipchura, another young player in the Canadiens system. In case you still want to hang out with them, here's another shot...



So they're friends. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Seriously though, I knew guys like this in high school. They sucked. It's why we indoor kids didn't make it out to a lot of sporting events in high school. We didn't feel like cheering those guys on. Looking at these photos makes me wonder what the difference is between these guys and those meatsticks in high school. I think it has something to do with the fact that these guys are world class athletes and those guys are probably landscapers these days.

What bothers me even more, though, is that these guys are among the best in the world at what they do, especially Price and Sundin. They call upon their lungs to carry them through grueling hockey seasons and playoff tournaments. And here they are smoking butts like Europeans. FULL DISCLOSURE: Sundin is European. Regardless, it amazes me that these guys can still do what they do while also doing what they're doing in this photo and then go out and do more of this the next day. If anything, it just further hammers the point that these guys' bodies are gifts from God and mine is built like a chess player's.

I Am the Man

Math. Not exactly a strong suit for me. But my love for fantasy sports can make me do extraordinary things.

This is the first year the KB Friends and Family Hockey League (TM) will be hosted by ESPN's fantasy hockey platform. In fact, I think this is the first year they're doing fantasy hockey in Bristol. I was very impressed with how robust* the platform is, supporting an endless array of customizable options, including league and draft formats that Yahoo can't even touch. For example, if I had a stable of 9 hard core managers, I could make this a keeper league. You can create divisions, customize the schedule on a week-by-week basis, choose from 5 different scoring formats and playoff criteria, etc. You also get free real time stat tracking, something you have to pay $10 for with Yahoo.

In awe of this brave new world of variables, I decided that I would break my league up into two divisions (Crosby and Ovechkin) and create a schedule similar to the NHL's: Every team plays each intra-divisional rival three times and each extra-divisional opponent twice. The idea is to foster rivalries and hopefully create a little competitive balance.

Creating this schedule was not easy in word, nor was it easily done. After several swings and misses at finding a free, functional schedule generating software on the interwebs, I opened up a blank Excel spreadsheet and dusted off the old math engine. The thing hasn't been taken out for a spin since the spring of 2002, so it took several tries to get it to turn over. Over three hours later, though, I had my schedule. Granted, the more mathematically inclined could have probably completed this in less than 30 minutes, but I believe I still deserve a hearty pat on the back. I won't go into the boring details of it, save that there are 10 teams, each represented by a letter (A-J). Each row is a week, each column is a game slot, making each box a matchup consisting of two teams. No two letters repeat themselves in any given row. I rule.

	Game 1	Game 2	Game 3	Game 4	Game 5
1	) AB	CD	FG	HI	EJ
2	) EI	BD	GH	CJ	AF
3	) AC	BE	HJ	FG	DI
4	) AD	EF	CI	HJ	BG
5	) AE	BF	DJ	GI	CH
6	) GI	BH	AC	FJ	DE
7	) AJ	BF	CG	DH	EI
8	) AI	BJ	CE	DG	FH
9	) AG	DF	BC	IJ	EH
10	) AB	CF	GJ	EH	DI
11	) BC	AD	FJ	HI	EG
12	) FJ	AH	BE	DG	CI
13	) GH	BD	AE	IJ	CF
14	) GJ	BI	AE	DF	CH
15	) AI	BJ	FH	CD	EG
16	) AJ	BH	CG	FI	DE
17	) AG	FH	CE	BI	DJ
18	) AB	CD	FG	HI	EJ
19	) BC	DE	GH	IJ	AF
20	) AC	BE	FI	GJ	DH
21)	AD	CE	FI	HJ	BG
22	) CJ	BD	AH	GI	EF

*"Robust" is easily my favorite BS word in the English lexicon. Having come from a marketing/sales-ish backround, I've come to appreciate the meaningful meaninglessness of this word. No other word says "it's really good with lots of stuff" the same way "robust" does. When in doubt, always say "robust."

Put the Lotion in the Basket, Pt. II

Disturbed. Below are the psychotic ramblings that I received on a Hall of Fame reservation card this morning...

Look. I've had better nights. I've had a threesome. I've had a foursome.
You never will. I haven't, actually. [Illegible] . . . the things [illegible] .
. . A habit I suppose [illegible] . . . -ave from now on- Sorry about that. You
a guy? They were two bi blondes? A girl? Two guys w/ exactly the right bend. The
saddest think I know is that sexual fantasies are at the top of the fantasy
list. Beak that and you'd be golden. But you won't. Adam and Eve couldn't.

Can't you just picture Buffalo Bill carving that message into the card in his basement while wearing his skin suit? My theory, though, is that someone copied word for word the contents of one of those virus spam emails. I feel like I've gotten enough of of those in my time to recognize the style. That is all.

Fantasy Sports

Reality. Let's not fool ourselves. Fantasy sports are very much a part of our everyday reality, at least for some of us. I like to think that I'm on the more extreme end of fantasy managers. In 2007, I finished the year with three football teams, three hockey teams, and about a half dozen pick'ems between NCAA and NFL football and NCAA basketball. I have a first place finish in hockey and a second place finish in football to show for all of that work.

This year, I boast four football teams (two of which are keeper leagues), a baseball team (currently 24 games ahead of the competition), and most likely 3-4 hockey teams, one of which I will run myself. It may look like a lot of work, and it is, but two things drive me: The glory of winning, thus boosting my yahoo rating, and the Christmas morning-like thrill I get from live fantasy drafts.

It goes without saying how good it feels to use your foresight and analytical skills to show up the people you compete against in these leagues, whether it is a group of friends or a random league you joined or got invited to. Winning doesn't just mean picking the right players but using them correctly, paying close attention to matchups and hot and cold streaks. Admittedly, blind luck also plays a part in one's fantasy league success, but doesn't that feel just as good? If you don't think so, imagine winning the lottery and pocketing $100 million for doing absolutely nothing besides standing in line at Krauszer's for ninety seconds while the guy in front of you collects the change from his purchase of Penthouse and chew.

For me, though, fantasy drafts can be just as fulfilling, if not more so, because they represent the unadulterated perception of victory 8 months before it even happens. I can't count how many times I've logged back on to my team page weeks after the draft yet still before the start of the season and just admired the team that I just drafted. In fact, I was doing it earlier today. And because I can't resist...

Stinkin' Root Beer

1. (6) Joseph Addai
2. (7) Larry Johnson
3. (18) Peyton Manning
4. (19) Antonio Gates
5. (30) Santonio Holmes
6. (31) Anquan Boldin
7. (42) Devin Hester
8. (43) Nick Folk
9. (54) New York
10. (55) Jamal Lewis
11. (66) David Garrard
12. (67) Chris Cooley
13. (78) Kevin Curtis
14. (79) Jerricho Cotchery
15. (90) Rob Bironas

This is obviously not a deep league. Only six teams with not so many roster spots. I don't care. I love looking at the stacked roster that I just put together. For something a little more in-depth, here's a league with way more teams, roster spots, and individual defensive players...

Tabata This!

1. (1) LaDainian Tomlinson
2. (20) Tony Romo
3. (21) Braylon Edwards
4. (40) Jonathan Stewart
5. (41) Fred Taylor
6. (60) Dallas Clark
7. (61) Calvin Johnson
8. (80) Kevin Curtis
9. (81) Mike Vrabel
10. (100) Stephen Gostkowski
11. (101) Ed Reed
12. (120) Adam Jones
13. (121) Nick Barnett
14. (140) Antonio Cromartie
15. (141) Michael Boley
16. (160) David Garrard
17. (161) Mario Williams
18. (180) Roman Harper
19. (181) Calvin Pace
20. (200) Deuce McAllister
21. (201) Leon Washington
22. (220) Ted Ginn Jr.
23. (221) James Hardy
24. (240) Roderick Hood
25. (241) Tim Hightower

The first Dance of Joy moment probably comes when I first enter the draft room and find out what position I will be drafting from. I have to admit, I don't always look forward to getting the first overall pick. For instance, I was disappointed to learn that I had first overall in the league immediately above because I didn't want to have to choose between Ladanian Tomlinson and Adrian Peterson. The 2nd overall pick was far and away the best pick to have in any football draft this year. Hockey will be a different story this year, though. If I get the first overall pick in any one of my hockey leagues, before picking Alexander Ovechkin without any hesitation whatsoever, I'll be as surprised and happy as this guy. Anyone out there want to be my studio audience?

One of the auxiliary joys of fantasy sports is devising witty team names. Obscure movie quotes and pop culture references are always winners. Here are my ten best fantasy sports team names.

10. Maurice DuBois
9. Broccoli Rabe
8. The Ab Abbers
7. Hundreds of Stuff
6. Stinkin' Root Beer
5. The Holy Rollers
4. The Frickin' Fracks
3. Enflamed Kaspar
2. Dueling Ted Knights
1. Flow Me

Honorable Mention
Puttin' On the Foil
Sather's Cigar

League registration doesn't start for fantasy hockey until the end of the month, but I've already been ranking my players and simulating drafts. And to think some league members want to add some financial incentives. This is going to be a good year.